Tuesday, 24 April 2012
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I was spawned.
Do you ever wish bad things on people you're supposed to care about? On other people at all?
I find myself frequently not only despising my father but also hoping that his punishment for the laws he broke (I can't discuss the legal situation in detail here for a while, sorry) is jail, that his over-exaggerated minor-at-best health problems end up being serious instead of laughable, and all others sorts of things like that. He broke a tooth today, and I enjoyed that. He compares my Crohn's disease to his mild constipation and claims his is worse and he has more of a right to complain than I ever do, and more than anything, I wish he could feel my pain at its worst.
It is horrifying to my rational mind to have these hateful, irrational thoughts, but at the same time, I'm not sorry. He has been emotionally abusive since I was a child, and the way things have come to a peak here, I can't help it. Seeing his disgustingly hideous face makes me cringe, and sharing this home-free house with the likes of his presence is skin crawling. I used to be content here, but now I cannot wait to finish off my last two years of college, find work elsewhere, and move as far away as possible.
I know I have not been innocent in the tenuous relationship between my father and myself. I, however, was a child when the trouble began, and those instances set up the pieces to the domino effect that would follow after I turned 12 or so. By the time I was 15 or 16, I came to realize my deep-seeded dislike of the man-child, and after the events that took place in March, there is no doubt that I struggle to recognize him as a father. And that's not only sad, it's also confusing. People will argue, "You only have one father. And you have to love your father!" Well, yes, I indeed only have one father, thankfully, but his contributions to my life have been largely bad ones. Love denotes that you care about the well-being of the person, and beyond that of simple human expectations, I honestly don't feel that way. It's not something I can control, and it's highly irrational, but it's there, and it seeps into every aspect of how I regard him.
I don't want him to die. I don't want anyone to die. Really, I wouldn't even want to see harm come to him when it came down to it, as if it were anyone else. I just want him out of my life.
How do you live with someone like that? I have nowhere else to go, no money or job to support myself, and no idea where to even start looking for something else, so I know I have to find a way to get through this without committing a crime myself. It is scary to think that he may get house arrest and be here even more than he already is.
Yeah.
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Comments (4)
I just politely asked my dad to go away. All he does is cause trouble in my life. For some sick reason, both of my parents enjoy watching me fail. Now that I'm mentally disabled--or even more so, I'm vulnerable and can't balance them anymore. And I told him that. I can't handle them.
The problem with diseases that others can't see is that nobody believes you. I get harassed like nothing else. I don't fight it anymore. I let it happen because they'll eventually come to the true realizations.
I'm thinking about posting my medical record online. I'm very open.
Irrational would be loving someone despite them having wronged you. So you're not being irrational.
I don't know what he did, but I can relate to you. My dad is nothing of a criminal but he was very emotionally abusive/neglectful to me growing up and I think it severely agitated my anxiety issues. For the most part with a few exceptions, my anger at him dissipated a lot since I went away to college. I have now graduated and live about 2 hours away from my parents. Hopefully things will get better for you soon, sweetie. In the meantime, I'd seriously encourage you to attain a PT job if at all possible when you're not in school. The financial independence will do a lot for your peace of mind. Plus in a practical sense you can start saving up to move out.
I wasn't raised by my birthfather, only consider him my sperm-donor, so I don't know what it's like to live with a parent that you can't stand, but I feel the same way about him, can't even stand to be in the same room with him. He did nothing for me, except try to get rid of me, and did nothing but hurt my bio mom and sister. I don't care that he's 80 something years old now and not in great health; what he did to me and all his other "offspring" was still a terrible thing, and I want no part of him. I hope you can endure getting through whatever remaining time you have left that you have to live with yours...change the situation, if you can. If you can't get out now, then at least make it work better for you.
I agree with colors, people with invisible illnesses are not well-understood by others. It stinks. Try to surround yourself with people who do understand, rather than people who do boo-hoo on about their trivial complaints that do not compare to what you're going through.
Hugs.
@DrummingMediocrity - This is true, very true.
I would LOVE to have any kind of job, but unfortunately I'm using some of my savings up to visit my boyfriend overseas this summer (I've dreamed all of my life of traveling, and this might be my only chance to do so for a long time), and because of that, I don't have enough time this summer to devote properly to a job. (I should also mention that my mom is helping me with some of the costs so I don't have to use all of my money up; my gratitude is never ending to her.) I am highly considering volunteer work if I could find it, though, so at least I might be able to get out of the house.
Thanks for your suggestions. And thanks, @musicmom60 and @colorsofthenight as well.